Who knew that becoming a parent involved so much self-induced guilt? Yesterday, I gave Baby E a soother. My "fall asleep anywhere loves her nap more than anything" baby has become impossible to put down to sleep. She's as happy as a clam in my arms, plugged on the boob, but as soon as I try to take her off to put her down she wakes up and gets mad... really mad. Now maybe there's a solution I haven't thought of, but when you have an almost 2 year old who is also clamouring for attention (and who, by the way, has never watched tv so putting her in front of a movie isn't an option), you can't just drop everything and spend your days nursing.
Sometimes I think I may actually lose my mind; I'm sure all parents with young kids can relate. The thing I found the hardest when Baby E arrived was juggling 2 crying babies (I know Coco was officially a toddler but, really, toddlers are just bigger babies who can occasionally be reasoned with if you're lucky). I seemed to always be running between them trying to soothe both at once. Who do you go to first? The oldest because she'll feel pushed aside if you don't? The youngest because she's so new? The loudest to preserve your sanity?
Things had gotten easier. We're lucky to have a very reasonable little girl (as toddlers go) and an easy-going baby. But lately, Baby E doesn't want to suck her fingers or her fist like she used to... all she wants is me (and she's always been big on sucking for comfort). And Coco, my independent "Daddy's girl", is suddenly all about Mommy. She wants to be "babied", comforted and held in a way she never has before and she is competing for my attention like you wouldn't believe.
So yesterday, in a fit of desperation (after several such desperate days), I dug out a soother I had received as a shower gift for Coco that we hadn't used (we'd tried half-heartedly once or twice but she wouldn't take it). I don't know much about them, but I suspect this one is too small (labelled 0-3 months and tiny... Baby E is almost 6 months *Gasp!*) but I figured it was worth a try. Lo and behold, she took it and went promptly to sleep... in her play-pen! I think I heard harps and bells.
Then the guilt set in.
I'm not exactly sure why... Logically, I think it's a wonderful solution. Baby E found something other than me to suck and comfort her to sleep and I was able to give Coco an hour of my undivided attention. So why do I feel bad about it? Is it because I'm faced with the "ugly truth" that I can't be everything for everyone all the time.? "Super Mom" is human too... Or that my sister (mother of 4), someone I admire greatly, never used one? Maybe the fear, after the uphill battle to breastfeed Coco, that it will somehow affect my milk supply? I'm not sure, but I think I'm going to "admit defeat" on this one and go with what works.
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